Thoughts from the past

The other night I came across this little entry that I had stored on my computer from this past summer. I wrote this entry during a stressful time in my life. During this period I was dealing with a whirlwind of school assignments and preparing myself to be a married man. After reading this I felt that it was a good reminder and I just wanted to share it for the purpose of accountability and possibly the offset chance of helping others.

SUMMER 2009

I feel there is a turning point in my life. Yes, I am getting married in less than two months, but that is not what I am talking about. I am trying to become a man.

Not just any man mind you. A different man, one that many people have probably heard about before.

Before I get to that point I want to reflect on how selfish I have been this past year. I remember that I specifically told myself that I was going to do what pleases me. It occurred a couple months after my fiance moved away and really had lost my best friend. Nothing against the friends I still had, I just felt that a piece of me had left my body. Like someone had come and surgically removed my heart while I was sleeping in the middle of the night.

The year of selfishness began with the idea of me time. Me time was going to be a time where I wanted to do things that benefited me. What it turned out to be was a time to waste time. The idea was to workout and get buff and fit for my future wife, fall into a deeper relationship with Christ (by the way He doesn't dig selfishness, ironically), and prepare for my departure from my hometown, but it turned into procrastination and a ton of television watching.

I turned down a lot of responsibilities that I had at my church. Two main reasons I quit was that I could not handle the politics(for lack of a better word) and I was just not fully committed. I even had some anger. So to accomplish the me time, I quit the leadership team I was on (which was probably good because Christ was not my leader at that point) and decided to eat, sleep, play basketball and sit in the back of the room at church.

It was almost as if I was preparing myself for departure but I was going about it all wrong. I would definitely change some things from my past, but as I have learned now and am going to learn, they all happened for a reason.

Joy has been scarce this past year. It has felt like Hailey's comet, here one minute gone the next and it won't be back until who knows when. As this summer has progressed I have felt a sense of God touching me. He is reaching down and comforting me. Why? I do not know. I am not doing anything different as far as I know. I really think it is His timing. Maybe He is a fed up father that is tired of watching his son fall off the bike and wants to help. He is telling me I can either put the training wheels back on the bike and be safe or I can leave them off and live at a trusting level. Quitting is not an option, which is good but at the same time means the degree of difficulty will probably rise.

It is funny how the steps of manhood could come down to riding a bike. At that age you are not cool if you ride training wheels, but if your good you could probably make it look cool, a least for a little while. The truth is with the safety of training wheels come limits. How many mountain bikers have you seen with training wheels? And the guys from Jackass do not count. God wants us all to drop our safety nets and our selfishness. He wants me to be a man that will ride his two wheel bike anywhere and trust Him when I fall. Once we choose to get on that bike we are not set for glory. It takes hard work and not just any man can survive the journey, especially alone. Help and guidance will be given from the Father.

Earlier when I said that I wanted to be a different man, one that many people have heard about, I was talking about Jesus. God wants our actions to be Christ-like, which from what I have learned so far is that, like Christ, I should be selfless.

So as new milestones approach in my life I am going to try to find that manhood or more importantly the Christ-hood and hold on to those handle bars tight because it will be a bumpy ride.

END

Just a quick update: I love my wife, I love my Savior and I strive to pray for guidance and trust in my Him. Right now my bike is currently riding over the bumps of marriage and new surroundings.I thank God for watching over my wife and I and my family and friends.

I want to leave with this passage I came across the other day that always provides me with encouragement.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (New International Version)

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.