Forgiveness?

When one receives shocking news a lot of emotions and thoughts can run through the brain. Well the idea of "forgiveness" has been jogging through my mind ever since I received my surprise of the century.

I had written a post about the emotions I went through after receiving my world rocking news, but I decided to keep that private. At least private until I figure some other things out.

But, back to the word of the day, "forgive." The hamsters in my head started turning their exercise wheels and I thought, what do I know about forgiveness? Well, Jesus forgives us everyday for the stupid things we do from horrific crimes to little white lies. In turn we are supposed to forgive others for their wrong-doings against us.

Colossians 3:13-
You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

But then I thought what is the fundamental definition behind the word "forgive." So, what do I do when I want to know what something means?

No, I don't wikipedia the answer. I only use wikipedia when I am looking up prominent people, like Corky Gonzales. Don't ask me why?

I looked up "forgive" in the good old dictionary (sorry Webster's dictionary, I used my laptop dictionary for this one). Forgive- stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake. Whoa, wait, hold the phone. Forgive is the action of ceasing to feel anger toward someone. There has got to be an alternate definition some where. What about the part that states, forgive- the action of telling someone that feelings of anger or resent have ceased, but their offenses, flaws and mistakes will be held over their heads until the end of time?

See in my eyes I don't know if I have truly forgiven those who have really hurt me. When I refer to someone that has hurt me I think of pain that person has caused for years, not minor bumps and bruises from everyday life.

I think in my mind I say yes I forgave that person a long time ago, but there is always that part of me in the back of my mind reminding me of all the pain that individual put me through and forgiveness flies right out the window. We may say that we forgive others for their mistakes, but what about the really big mistakes. Sin is sin no matter what, but in the human eye there tends to be a scale that rates sin from one (being not so bad) to ten (being extremely hard to truly forgive).

God has the right to be the angriest of us all. We continually turn our backs on Him and don't give Him the glory He deserves, He takes delight in showing His mercy. This is one of those big God quandaries that I cannot wrap my brain around. How can He just forgive us like that even when we mess up continually? I guess the answer to that is His love for us and in His eyes there are no scales or ratings when it comes to our mistakes.

Micah 7:18-19
Where is another God like you, who pardons the sins of the survivors among his people? You cannot stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing mercy. Once again you will have compassion on us. you will trample our sins under your feet and throw them in to the depths of the ocean!


The idea of "forgiveness" will still be jogging around in my head for quite sometime when considering my recent news. I hope I can be like Christ and forgive the person that has consumed my thoughts, but right now all I need is time and prayer.

It's comforting to know that God forgives right on the spot. This is also a good reminder to know that God is greater than all of us.

Overflowing with Goose-bumps

This week I find myself obsessed.

I have been fixated on one single song that gave me goose-bumps. It wasn't just the song that gave me chills, it was the moment, the people I was with and the Holy Spirit flooding my heart. I have not felt that connection with Jesus in a long time and at that moment I felt like I could fly.

Some of you might be wondering what melody warranted this kind of reaction. The song is titled "With Everything" by Hillsong United. I've come to learn that this little tune has been available to the public for quite sometime now, but I just got in the loop this last weekend.

When it comes to worship I would have to say that my singing is very conservative. The only time I belt out a verse is when the music is so loud that I cannot hear myself sing. This was partly the case last Sunday at Overflow, a college and 20-somethings ministry at the Kearney Evangelical Free Church. Besides the music booming out of the speakers, I had an entire choir of young people behind me praising the God that they love. It was a very intimate moment. I cannot speak for everyone, but to me it felt that I was one on one with God crying out to him.

Acts 2:2 (NLT) gives a description of what this moment felt like.
"Suddenly, there was a sound from heaven like the roaring of a mighty windstorm in the skies above them, and it filled the house where they were meeting."

There is a point in the song where everyone shouts out "Whoa," and it is such a raw expression but it felt as if I was letting myself go. As my pastor would say I was being more youieyer (in other words I was being who God intended me to be) and I found immense freedom in Him.

I thank God for this experience because it has made me hungry to know Him more. I also want to thank Christ for giving the band at Overflow such unbelievable talent and for giving Hillsong the words and music to write such beautiful songs. I hope all my friends have fun at their concert in KC this Thursday and for those of you who haven't heard this song I will post a link at the end of this post.

I can't wait to have more experiences with my brothers and sisters in Christ and to get to know my Holy Father in a more intimate way. The truth about my obsession is that I am more fixated on my Savior than a melody in a song.

KG and Me

This is one of those random posts that I just felt like writing about. Enjoy or don't enjoy, the choice is yours.

Those of you who know me well know that Kevin Garnett has been my favorite player since he was drafted into the NBA back in 1995. I like him so much in fact that I root for the Celtics despite my dislike for Paul Pierce (who by the way is an "actress." Thanks for that great quote Q. Richardson.)

It is upsetting that The Big Ticket won't be on the floor for Game 2 against the Heat and I do not disagree with the ruling. Although most of the blame should be pointed at The Truth for being a baby. I am more focused on KG's critics riding him for being old and having to many miles on those long legs of his. In this regard I can relate to KG.

Don't get me wrong, I do not have analysts talking about how much my game has been lacking. Lets just say my game has been lacking since birth. I don't warrant any analysts or press time for my basketball skills.

I tend to model my game after KG. Hustle to the ball, rebound , high release on the jump shot, working the elbows and trying to play tough "D." I always leave KG's trash talking element out of my repertoire. Also, I tend to keep my elbows under control, but I have come to find out that I have razor blades for elbows. Now as I am beginning to turn the ripe age of 24 (yes 24 in Oct.) I feel the motor in me sputtering and the ladder getting shorter (for those not up to date on basketball lingo that means I can't jump as high as I used to). With that being said my mind is still able to keep up with the game, but it just forgets to let my body know that. I know I am not that old, but I still feel the affects.

KG and I respect the game and love to play it. We will play on despite what people say. On the court we will always help the team before anything else. For these reasons I can relate to KG and some people should give him a bit of a break. There are not to many 34 year olds that can play at that level.

To conclude this KG rant, I will always be a fan of The BIg Ticket and will always enjoy his game, but once he is gone I believe I will be off the Celtic bandwagon. Especially, if a Mr. Paul Pierce is still on the team.

Weight of the Wheelbarrow

I've had a couple brief moments of freedom this month. This was not a liberation from someone but more of a release from a heavy load. The weight that has been on my mind and heart has been the burden of stress.

Stress seems to be a common occurrence in my life and as my days go on the pressure and anxiety build. I worry about money constantly, I worry about the future often and I worry that I am not a responsible husband for my lovely wife.

At times I feel as if I am the village idiot pushing around a wheelbarrow with a flat tire and overflowing with heavy rocks. Each stone represents a stress and each day I struggle to drive the rusty old wheelbarrow, being ever careful not to spill one single pebble or bolder out of my cargo.

The wheelbarrow also doubles as my bed and when I lay my tired head down to bed my skull rests on the jagged edges of the rocks causing pain and strain. There are many sleepless nights thinking of what tomorrow will bring and the only time I have complete restful sleep is when I am exhausted from the days activities.

I don't have stress all day every day. I have experienced a great sense of relaxation this past week. Why you may ask? Well, the answer to finding peace in my heart and mind is in a solution that I have known for the longest time, but I always tend to lose the answer by trying to lift the weight all on my own.

Instead of fixing the stress on my own I simply let it go. I handed my entire wheelbarrow of rocks over to someone who can conquer these burdens. That someone is my Savior. Christ filled my heart and His presence was deeply felt in my life this past week. I have really missed that feeling in my life.

Matthew 11:28-29-
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls."

I forget that God can handle my problems with ease. I was actually able to fully enjoy time with my wife this past weekend and I was able to appreciate a simple and quiet night at home. Absolutely no worry about employment and bills.

This village idiot in me will tend to show up from time to time, but I pray that God continues to reveal His truths to me. I will continue to seek God and hopefully I receive more moments of freedom and get a break from the wheelbarrow.

God is in control and I am nothing without Him!

Thoughts from the past

The other night I came across this little entry that I had stored on my computer from this past summer. I wrote this entry during a stressful time in my life. During this period I was dealing with a whirlwind of school assignments and preparing myself to be a married man. After reading this I felt that it was a good reminder and I just wanted to share it for the purpose of accountability and possibly the offset chance of helping others.

SUMMER 2009

I feel there is a turning point in my life. Yes, I am getting married in less than two months, but that is not what I am talking about. I am trying to become a man.

Not just any man mind you. A different man, one that many people have probably heard about before.

Before I get to that point I want to reflect on how selfish I have been this past year. I remember that I specifically told myself that I was going to do what pleases me. It occurred a couple months after my fiance moved away and really had lost my best friend. Nothing against the friends I still had, I just felt that a piece of me had left my body. Like someone had come and surgically removed my heart while I was sleeping in the middle of the night.

The year of selfishness began with the idea of me time. Me time was going to be a time where I wanted to do things that benefited me. What it turned out to be was a time to waste time. The idea was to workout and get buff and fit for my future wife, fall into a deeper relationship with Christ (by the way He doesn't dig selfishness, ironically), and prepare for my departure from my hometown, but it turned into procrastination and a ton of television watching.

I turned down a lot of responsibilities that I had at my church. Two main reasons I quit was that I could not handle the politics(for lack of a better word) and I was just not fully committed. I even had some anger. So to accomplish the me time, I quit the leadership team I was on (which was probably good because Christ was not my leader at that point) and decided to eat, sleep, play basketball and sit in the back of the room at church.

It was almost as if I was preparing myself for departure but I was going about it all wrong. I would definitely change some things from my past, but as I have learned now and am going to learn, they all happened for a reason.

Joy has been scarce this past year. It has felt like Hailey's comet, here one minute gone the next and it won't be back until who knows when. As this summer has progressed I have felt a sense of God touching me. He is reaching down and comforting me. Why? I do not know. I am not doing anything different as far as I know. I really think it is His timing. Maybe He is a fed up father that is tired of watching his son fall off the bike and wants to help. He is telling me I can either put the training wheels back on the bike and be safe or I can leave them off and live at a trusting level. Quitting is not an option, which is good but at the same time means the degree of difficulty will probably rise.

It is funny how the steps of manhood could come down to riding a bike. At that age you are not cool if you ride training wheels, but if your good you could probably make it look cool, a least for a little while. The truth is with the safety of training wheels come limits. How many mountain bikers have you seen with training wheels? And the guys from Jackass do not count. God wants us all to drop our safety nets and our selfishness. He wants me to be a man that will ride his two wheel bike anywhere and trust Him when I fall. Once we choose to get on that bike we are not set for glory. It takes hard work and not just any man can survive the journey, especially alone. Help and guidance will be given from the Father.

Earlier when I said that I wanted to be a different man, one that many people have heard about, I was talking about Jesus. God wants our actions to be Christ-like, which from what I have learned so far is that, like Christ, I should be selfless.

So as new milestones approach in my life I am going to try to find that manhood or more importantly the Christ-hood and hold on to those handle bars tight because it will be a bumpy ride.

END

Just a quick update: I love my wife, I love my Savior and I strive to pray for guidance and trust in my Him. Right now my bike is currently riding over the bumps of marriage and new surroundings.I thank God for watching over my wife and I and my family and friends.

I want to leave with this passage I came across the other day that always provides me with encouragement.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (New International Version)

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.